INSANITY

Sometimes I get scared for no reason at all. Sometimes, I get paranoid about things and people. Sometimes I am just not myself.
Sometimes I don't even know myself and why I do what I do.

There are times when I find myself full of confidence, optimistic, brimming with ideas, ready to conquer the world. Then there are also those times when I would suddenly find myself alone in a crowd, unsure of myself, unsure of what I can do, unsure of what I know, feeling stupid, and can't find the strength to trust myself.
In times like this I find myself close to tears unconsciously held together by my foolish belief that crying will do me no good.

At least twice a week I find myself depressed and questioning a lot of things. Pathetic.
I often have to force myself to smile, to live. I often find myself shedding tears at night protected by darkness.
Sometimes, I also wake up crying.

Of course, there are also times when I don't know myself at all. I'm as happy as a bee, hyper-active, bursting with energy. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things, at a lot of things. Oftentimes I laugh with the people around me, joke with them, have fun with them. But every time I do so, I find myself asking if it was really me laughing with all those people or if I really felt happy inside. Crazy.

There are times when I feel brave and reckless and there are also times when I feel vulnerable and weak. And in whenever I find myself getting weak and fearful I force myself to pretend that I am strong and that I could defend myself from anything and everything. I have to, there is nobody else in this world who will do it.

There are times when I question the intentions of the people around. There are times when I question their integrity. There are times when I find myself suspecting that they never really treated me as a friend and that I am nothing to them. There are times when I get hurt because the people around me are taking me for granted, treating me like I don't exist at all. Outright cruelty is more preferable than silent treatments and cold shoulders.

At times I hate the people around me. At times I dread the day that I would have to leave them and never see them again. I love them and hate them at the same time.

Once I asked myself, "who among the people around me are truly my friends and who among them could say that I was ever close to them?" To tell the truth,I don't think I was ever close to anybody. I never share to them my problems, I never share the things that really bothers me or the things that really makes me happy. Trivial things that could give them a more thorough understanding of what and who I am. Trivial things that are more important than the bits and pieces I had shared with them all these years. They see in me the things I want them to see and I keep from them the most important parts of life.

Long ago I promised that I will again take the risk and welcome friendship in my life. I did take the risk but I have never really been as I was before.
I don't think I could ever share to anybody the most important parts of me because if I do so I would become too attached to them, expecting loyalty and honesty and be betrayed again.

Don't get me wrong though. I am honest to the people around me. What they see in me is still the real me--but not the 100% real me.
There was a time (sometime this summer) when I felt so down and so depressed that I wanted to cry so much. I was so down that I was prepared to cry in front of anybody---or so I thought. I came in the office and found myself unable to express my feelings to the people who cares. I wanted to cry so much but my mind unconsciously suppressed my feelings again.

For the many years that I had been with these people I was so dismayed with myself to know that I still can't find the strength to share my life to them. I am so dismayed that I still can't find the courage to cry on the shoulders of people who could give me the comfort I was longing for and instead I still find myself preferring to wallow in pain, all alone and in silence.

Sometime ago I posted this in my blog, "sometimes it is easier to spill your hearts to strangers than to people you have known all your life." And I still find it true until now...and sometimes, it is even easier to tell strangers than telling your self.


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Don't blame me for things I cannot control. I am human, just like you.